I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
