he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
