i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
