The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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