there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just want to make out with him forever
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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