He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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