hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
