Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
