It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
