Rock
Scissors
Fuck
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He passed out mid-signature
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
