Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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