I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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