i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
