before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
