Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
