yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
