Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
