just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
