I just threw up on my dentist
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
