i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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