you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
