You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
