Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
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