3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
