The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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