you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
