Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
