My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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