he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
