I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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