I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
