Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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