So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
