DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
