Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
