I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize