He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
