Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
