1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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