my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
