Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
