They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
