how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
