Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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