I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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