Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
