it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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