can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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