I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
