im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
